


trying to do what's best (for a kid who's lost control)

by shayisgay



Series: what comes next [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED ENDGAME, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, I MEAN YOU PROBABLY HAVE BY NOW BUT STILL, I REPEAT: ENDGAME SPOILERS, I need a hug, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Tony Stark Has A Heart, guys i'm in pain, idk what even to tag, someone please give me a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 02:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18841357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shayisgay/pseuds/shayisgay
Summary: ENDGAME SPOILERS GUYS ENDGAME SPOILERSPeter’s been having nightmares.They’re not just his usual nightmares, not the ones where he holds Uncle Ben in his hands because he is too late, or the ones where he’s pinned under a pile of rubble and he can’t get out, no matter how hard he tries, or not even the ones where he gets home and finds Aunt May dead, killed by some second-rate villain who just happened to get lucky.No, these nightmares are so, so much worse.Peter is coping with the events of Endgame. It’s not going that well.





	trying to do what's best (for a kid who's lost control)

**Author's Note:**

> why be part of the "lets pretend endgame didn't happen" squad when you can be apart of "lets be canon compliant with endgame to make everyone (including myself) suffer
> 
>  
> 
> ...  
> love you three thousand

_Even when everyone around you thinks you're crazy. Even when everyone around you lets things go. And whether you're prepping for some test, or you're miles from some goal. Or you're just trying to do what's best for a kid who's lost control._  
_You do the hard thing. 'Cause that's the right thing. Yeah, that's the right thing._

_Dear Evan Hansen - To Break in a Glove_

 

 

Peter’s been having nightmares.

They’re not just his usual nightmares, not the ones where he holds Uncle Ben in his hands because he is too late, or the ones where he’s pinned under a pile of rubble and he can’t get out, no matter how hard he tries, or not even the ones where he gets home and finds Aunt May dead, killed by some second-rate villain who just happened to get lucky.

No, these nightmares are so, _so_ much worse.

 

~~~

 

“We won, Mister Stark, we won,” says Peter desperately. He reaches for Tony, but Tony keeps getting farther and farther and Peter is falling and _Peter can’t reach Tony he can’t reach his dad and-_

Peter wakes up, silently sobbing.

 

~~~

 

This time, when he begs, _begs_ for Tony to hear him, to know that they won and that there’s no point in dying, because they _succeeded,_ Tony’s right hand grabs his arm. The gauntlet _burns_ and tears through his skin and melts his bones and Peter _cries_ and _screams_ and his left arm is melting and through the pain, he can hear Tony say, “I didn’t win though, did I, Parker? I’m gone but you lived, and it should have been you, shouldn’t it? The _Amazing_ Spider-man.” Peter cries and melts as power surges through him and he feels the strength of a thousand suns burn him from the inside out and-

Peter wakes up screaming, and doesn’t stop until Aunt May runs into his room.

 

~~~

 

The thing is, the world will never know _exactly_ how much of a hero that Tony is. Because yes, Tony saved us all, but do they really understand the cost? The price? What this victory meant?

Tony left with the people he loved surrounding him, but it _wasn’t what he deserved._ He deserved _so much more. _At the very least, he deserved the new. He deserved the girl who loves him three thousand times, the girl who saved him when he was at his lowest and _fixed_ him and made him feel _whole_ in the chaos after the snap.__

__That girl wasn’t there._ _

__And thinking about it, that hurts Peter a lot more than he’d like to admit._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

__The funeral is a small event. All of Tony’s family is there, whether it was the family he was related to, or the family that he chose. Peter recognizes some of the people there. Others, like the small girl that he is told is Tony’s daughter, he doesn’t._ _

Peter doesn’t cry. He thinks that he used up all his tears reliving their victory and defeat (so closely intertwined that it _hurt_ ) over and over and over. 

__

__~~~_ _

__

__After the funeral, at the reception, Pepper comes up to Peter. Peter has seen Pepper before in passing, back when he would go to the lab nearly every weekend to work on tech with Tony, but Peter has never talked to Pepper._ _

__And, of course, they met when Tony was dying, but._ _

__Peter would prefer not to think about that._ _

__“Hi, Peter,” Pepper says with a smile. She looks worn out._ _

__“Um, hi, Miss Potts. Wait, no, the wedding happened already, didn’t it? You’re Mrs. Stark now, right? Sorry. I haven’t really… adjusted to this.”_ _

__“It’s fine, Peter,” says Pepper. “Call me Pepper, okay? Easier that way.”_ _

__“Okay.” Peter fidgets. “What did you need?” he asks awkwardly._ _

__“Oh, sorry. I actually…” Pepper trails off. “Do you want to go somewhere more private for a bit?” Pepper starts to walk off, Peter obviously meant to follow her._ _

__Peter trails after her, not quite sure what to do. They go up the stairs into a room with toys littered around and a bed in the middle._ _

__“Morgan’s room,” says Pepper apologetically. “Sorry, I didn’t think there would be another private place to talk.”_ _

__Pepper sits on the bed and pats the place next to her. Peter obliges and sits next to her._ _

__“Tony… Tony was devastated when you were dusted. Blamed himself. Thought that if he had done better, you would have been here. It wasn’t true, but he always thought it. When he found out that he could travel in time, to save you, he was so torn. I don’t think he wanted to build his hopes up only to have them dashed later. Thought he should just throw his research in the lake. But I asked him, would you be able to rest? He was at the compound the next day._ _

__“Peter, it was all for you. The time travel, saving everyone. Sure, he wanted everyone to be saved, but the real reason was you. You were the reason he tried so hard. It was all to save you.”_ _

__Pepper pulls out a box from under the bed. She hands it to Peter. “Open it,” she says. Peter looks at her for a moment before opening it. Inside is a glasses case. Peter looks at her again, and she motions for him to open it._ _

__Inside are Tony’s glasses. Peter remembers them. Tony would work on them sometimes in the lab, making adjustments and adding new tech to them all the time._ _

__“It’s for you.” Peter swerves his head to look at Pepper. “Tony would have wanted you to have it.”_ _

__“I… I can’t take this, Mrs.- Pepper. These were Mister Stark’s glasses. I don’t deserve them.”_ _

“Peter,” Pepper says sharply, but not unkindly. “Tony would have wanted _you_ to have them.” 

__Peter looks down at the glasses again. They’re just glasses, yes, but they’re so much more than that too._ _

__Pepper stands up. “I’ll guess that I’ll leave you alone to think. You okay here on your own, Peter?” Peter nods without making a noise. Pepper starts to stride out of the room, but stops at the door to look back at Peter._ _

__“Oh yeah, Peter?” Peter makes a small noise to acknowledge that he heard her. “I’m going to be telling this to everyone, but would you mind not telling everyone that Tony died? With the mess that’s been happening ever since the snap, the last thing people need is to worry. Plus…” Pepper trails off. “I guess I want more time for Morgan to get used to the idea of not having a dad. And for me to get used to the idea of not having Tony. It’s a big adjustment, and just… I think we deserve a little break before everyone hounds us, don’t you? That’s it, though. Don’t forget that Tony loves you, ‘kay?” Pepper walks out of the room._ _

__Peter discovers that he has not used up all of his tears._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

A week after the funeral, Peter is lying in bed, trying desperately not to think about anything (especially not what Pepper said, _god,_ that was a week ago, why is he still dwelling on it?) when his phone rings. He picks it up, looking quickly at the caller I.D. (or rather, the lack of one). 

__When Peter picks up the phone, Happy merely says, “He left a message for you.” There are no greetings, no farewells. Happy just says one thing then hangs up. Leaves._ _

Leaves, just like everyone seems to do nowadays. He leaves him alone with the anxiety and the pain and the repeated thought of _can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t-_

__Just one phrase that shakes his entire world._ _

__Peter realizes that he is probably not handling this very well._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

__“Do you want to?” Aunt May asks him when he tells her about the call, about Tony’s message._ _

__Peter’s first instinct is to say yes, because it’s Mister Stark, and he wants to hear him, see him one last time. But on the other hand…_ _

Peter knows that this _isn’t_ Tony. He won’t be able to apologize for being so weak, for not being able to save him. Tony isn’t there. Tony will never be back. Tony died when he saved the world. This is only a message, recorded for him who knows how long ago. A message meant for him. 

__Filmed before he came back after the snap._ _

__Tony didn’t know that he could be brought back then, did he? He couldn't have been certain. There was no way to know, know one hundred percent, that this would work._ _

Peter doesn’t think that he could see that. He doesn’t think so because he knows, he _knows_ that Tony would blame himself for the snap. Just like how he blames himself, how almost all of the heroes blame themselves. 

__God, Peter doesn’t think that he can see something like that yet._ _

__“I… don’t know,” says Peter after a minute of thinking, Aunt May waiting patiently. “I just… don’t think I’m ready for that yet.” Peter looks up, turning his head to look Aunt May in the eye. “Am I a bad person for thinking that?”_ _

Aunt May’s face falls, and before Peter can apologize, Aunt May’s arms are around him and squeezing him _grounding_ him and _oh, this feels nice_ and Peter hugs her back and oh _no,_ is she crying? 

__“Don’t cry,” Peter half laughs and half chokes out. “Or else I’m gonna cry, and then it’s just gonna be a whole mess.” Aunt May gives a laugh and sob in response and holds him tighter. “See?” he barely chokes out. “It’s a chain reaction. You start crying, then I get sad, and start crying, and we really got to stop doing this,” Peter says in a wobbly voice._ _

“Five years. Peter, you were gone for _five years._ You can’t _possibly_ expect me not to cry. I… I thought I lost you forever,” says Aunt May with that strange happiness and sadness combination. “All that matters to me- _all_ that matters is that you’re happy. You aren’t a bad person. You’re the farthest _thing_ from a bad person. Just do whatever makes _you_ happy, okay? Whether that’s going to see what Tony said, or waiting, or just not watching it at all, it _doesn’t matter._ I’ll love you no matter what. You know that, right?” says Aunt May, her voice thick with emotion. 

__“I…” Peter trails off. “Okay. I’ll wait until I feel ready.”_ _

__“And that’s all I ask,” Aunt May whispers into his hair._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

__“Hey, Peter? Ned asks one evening during a sleepover as they watch one of the many new Star Wars movies. They both missed five years, and already there are three new Star Wars movies, with a fourth one being released soon. That’s not even mentioning all the the side series and Disney Channel spin-offs._ _

__Peter thinks that they were trying to keep the morale high or something after half of the population vanished._ _

__Peter pauses the movie, the bright light from the television illuminating both of their faces in the dark room. “Yeah, Ned?”_ _

__“What happened after you left the bus?” Ned asks cautiously. Peter hasn’t told Ned about what happened, and thankfully Ned hasn’t asked._ _

__Until now, that is._ _

__Curiosity must have gotten the best of him._ _

__“Well,” Peter starts, turning towards Ned so he’s completely facing him, “When the spaceship came, everyone panicked. I was able to jump out of the bus and go help Iron Man and some wizard guy, his name is Doctor Strange but I still don’t know his real name. Wizard dude was taken into the spaceship, and I went with Mister Stark to the spaceship. Well I didn’t really go, he said I was a stowaway, but that’s not the point. We fought some bad guys, then went to the place where Thanos used to live, and fought Thanos, but we lost. Well, it was my fault, anyways. I was supposed to get the gauntlet off, but I didn’t. I failed, and half the population died.”_ _

__Ned’s face got whiter and whiter as Peter continued, but Peter ignored it. “I started turning to dust after Thanos snapped, but I came back almost immediately. Except the wizard dude, remember him? He told me that it was 5 years later and we had to fight Thanos, except I guess it wasn’t really Thanos? It was him from like, 2016? 14? 15? I don’t really remember. And we stole the gauntlet from Thanos, and had a huge game of Steal the Bacon, except it was like Death Steal the Bacon, cause if the other side stole the gauntlet we would die, so that wasn’t good. And then Mister Stark used the gauntlet and died and it was my fault-”_ _

__“Wait, hold up, Tony Stark died? Dude, what the fuck?”_ _

Peter blanched. “Oh _god,_ I wasn’t supposed to tell you about that Pepper is going to _kill_ me she wanted more time to accept it and why can’t I stop talking oh god-” 

__Ned cut off Peter by wrapping him up in a tight hug._ _

“God, Peter, I’m not going to tell anyone. And it wasn’t your fault! Dude, what happened with Thanos was _fucked up,_ not gonna lie. But you can’t just shoulder the burden of it, okay? You weren’t to blame. It _wasn’t your fault._ ” 

__And, well, if Peter cries a bit when he hears that, he isn’t going to tell anyone._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

__“Oh yeah, and I guess I’m actually an avenger now?”_ _

“Um, _what?_ ” 

__

__~~~_ _

__

__Peter calls Happy back exactly three weeks after Happy first called._ _

__“I’m ready,” he says._ _

__Happy doesn’t say anything, but Peter is fairly certain that he smiles._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

“Hey kid. I really, _really_ hope that you’ll get to hear this someday.” 

__Peter watches as his mentor, projected in a bright blue, sits on a chair._ _

__“I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry. It’s my fault that you died. You were the best of us, and we failed you. And I’m so fucking sorry, Peter.” Peter sucks in a shaky breath. The video’s barely started and he’s already a wreck. He listens as Tony continues._ _

“I forget sometimes, you know. That you aren’t here. I’ll see some dumb lego set or see them release a movie that I know you would love and think, _oh, I should get that for Peter_ or _Peter would love to see that movie._ But then I remember. I remember that I failed you. 

“If you’re watching this, then you’re alive. You’re back, and you’re gonna get the life that you deserve. And chances are, I’m gone, unless for some reason I’m creepily watching this with you, which is like okay, _hi_ me, I’m trying to have a moment with the kid, and you’ve had him enough by now, it’s my turn. God, I sound like a divorced parent trying to see their kid. But yeah, I’m probably gone. Which is good. Because that means that you’re here, and that we succeeded. 

“If I am gone, you’ve probably met Morgan by now. Because I am not accepting any reality where she dies without getting to live her life. I will evoke my wrath on Earth or do something ominous like that if she dies. There is no other option, she has to live. She _has_ to. She has to grow up in this world, this world that hey, might not be perfect, but still amazing. So since she’s here, and you’ve hopefully met her, will you watch over her for me? I’ve told you about her a lot. You’re her favorite bedtime story, even though you’re the hardest one to tell. Pepper thought that if she was a boy, we should name her Peter, to remember you or some shit like that. I vetoed that pretty quickly, cause that would be weird if you came back and found out that _hey, my weird mentor named a kid after me! That’s really creepy and invasive!_ or something like that. 

“But yeah, that’s all I have for now. I miss hearing you blab on about something random, no matter how annoying it got sometimes. I really, _really_ hope that you aren’t dwelling on my death if it did happen. I really hope so, kid. Celebrate for me. Drink a beer or something. Wait, don’t do that. That would be something that I would do and we don’t want you to do anything that I would do, okay?” 

__Tony takes a deep breath and somehow, it feels like he’s looking directly at Peter. “I love you, kid.” Tony finishes, before the projection disappears._ _

__Yet again, Peter cries._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

__“I’m sorry,” Peter whispers in the back seat of the car, Happy driving. “I’m so sorry, dad.”_ _

__Happy looks at him through the rear view mirror, but kindly doesn’t say anything._ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

__The world, Peter realizes, won’t be the same without Tony Stark. No one can replace him, who he was, who he meant to so many people._ _

__Tony Stark died a hero, but Peter is going to make sure that everyone realizes what that means._ _

__Tony did bad things. He wasn’t a bad person, but he did terrible things. That can’t be changed. That is a truth, an undeniable one. But Tony? He tried his goddamn hardest. He realized who he was, what he was doing, and he changed. He became a good person, and tried his best to make up for what he did._ _

__And Peter? Peter is going to try his goddamn hardest to make sure the world remembers him. Not the him that the world knows, the real him._ _

__And that’s the only thing he can do, isn’t it? To try._ _

__Peter puts on the glasses._ _

**Author's Note:**

> okay guys honestly i'm still drained from endgame and have so many ideas so guess who's making a series (if i can sit my ass down and actually write it)  
> anyways have a good day stay gay ect. ect.
> 
>  
> 
> life is suffering


End file.
